Global Warming

I haven't written or posted anything in a million years. I skipped writing about Thanksgiving, because I didn't personally take any pictures and therefore had nothing to show for our wonderful time in Dillon with some of my favorite people in the whole world. Thanks Papa & GG for letting us invade your home. We thoroughly enjoyed it!!!

In the past few days we have gone from reasonable, seasonable, lovely 35-45 degree weather to a high of 8 with a windchill of -15 over night. So I've been thinking a lot about global warming and how grateful I am that it has been occurring so that this arctic blast we are feeling has us at a mere -15 and not -50. It has had me thinking about a little thought Nick had a few years ago that he put down on paper. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with all of you. Here's to Global Warming!


I suppose the general, heart-wrenching truth about global warming has you so spellbound that you keep your eyes glued to the front lawn with the splendid prospect of having beachfront property at any moment. I know I do! The first thing I do every morning is crawl over my sleeping wife to glance out the window. Any day the polar ice caps will melt and send the pleasure of the ocean to my doorstep. In fact, I bought a house with these specifics in mind.
“So, how many bedrooms are you looking for?” my realtor asked me.
“That seems to matter little. What I need is a home with a rubber grate at the entrance to the doorway so I won’t track in too much sand. What do you have for me there” I replied.
She glanced down at her papers and said, without looking up, “How about three bedrooms. And maybe one and three-quarter bathrooms?”
“Perfect!” I said. “But only if it has a shed where I can keep a boogie board, some sun-block, and a metal detector.” When I explained my little scheme she only questioned whether or not I knew Lex Luthor. I don’t.
But the beach seems a long time coming. I was about to give up hope until I got a proverbial slap on the back your ex-VP and mine, Al Gore. It won’t be long now and soon enough my job will be washed underneath the roaring Eastern Idaho surf. Only it will no longer be Eastern but Western Idaho and my closest Pacific neighbor will be Tibet.
Though I am sure to be soaking in the beach-rays by the oncoming equinox, I have the time to ponder some other various “warming” issues. Like, with all the concern over warming and its effects, why can’t I find a toaster that makes good toast? And, why can’t our consumer scientists find a happy medium between the microwave and the conventional oven. What we need is an unconventional oven that does not make a piece of pizza soggy but can do the job in less than five minutes. I bet these things are being considered already because it makes no sense for our capitalist economy to wait a moment longer. I just hope the developmental labs are in nice safe places like Topeka and not Tillamook.
One thing I will be sad to part with upon the wave’s arrival is the higher boiling points afforded us highlanders. Once we are at sea level the entire air pressure schematic will be thrown for a loop and nobody will know how long they should cook their spaghetti noodles for. This will also apply to tortellini.
According to the official Global Warming mantra, the earth has skyrocketed an astonishing 8-10 degrees in the past 1,000 years! Think of it. Instead of the normal –10 degree weather our forefathers suffered through in the winter you are now enjoying a comfortable –2! But any degree now the scales will tip and pour out the delicious smell of seaweed and yield the sweet caress of sand in your trunks. While I wait for that great day I will spend my time getting in touch with the local sand and sailboat vendors. I need to get in while the price is low.